masturbating

(typing) - hey! okay, so i got two different types of tile that we can choose from,and i think this one's nice. it's a little bit more simple.

masturbating, and then this-- - no, i told you, you do the tiles. i don't care. i don't have an opinion andi have to get this pitch done

for adventure baby. i don't even know what i'm doing. - okay.- okay? - please, please, please, please. take this. take this away. - alright, i'll figure it out. - thank you. - i'm sorry.

(keyboard clacking) jason? - what? - have you been using my ipad? - your ipad? - oh, no. you've been going to porn sites. - no, no i haven't. - do not masturbate with my ipad, jason.

and you're busy. oh, yeah, you're so busy. you're busy masturbating with my ipad. that's how busy you are. - the internet is so fast on there. i'm sorry. - jason, why are youmasturbating anyway, huh? hello, i'm open for business. - yeah.

- and you look great. i just... you know, we've been gettingalong so well lately. i don't want to ruin the friendship. (cymbal tapping) - hey. - (woman) hey there. - oooo! whoa! whoa, look at that. lookin' good. that's theold...that's the old nighty. that's the little action nighty.

- (woman) yes. - yep. - we can do it tonight. - you know what? i really, i really... i would love to, it's just... can i be honest? - of course. what? - you won't tell anyone? - who am i gonna tell?

- okay. i've just been like... i'm really bumming outabout my penis lately. - it's really small. - no it's not. it really isn't. - no it's...it's...- it's fine. - i stand in the mirror andi'm like, what's going on? it's so small. it's just not...and it's not fun. it's not fun for me having a small penis.

it's like, it's likehaving someone in your band that isn't good. you know? it's like... it just ruins all of it. - have you been watching too much porn? - i have been watching a lot of porn. - how much would you sayyou've been masterbating? - like three or four everyday. is that a lot?

- yeah. that is a lot. - that's a lot. - well hey, got no problem in that area. lot of guys have problems. not me. - dad! it's me. hello! jason can you come in here please? i don't under...- (jason) what?!

- can you come in hereand help with the...? i don't under...- (jason) the what? - with the facetime on the i... i don't understand if it's work... dad, hi! - i can hear you but i can't see you. where are you? - (jason) hold on. - okay look for the camera guys.

- hold on. - i see...hi. - hi. - i see you. that... - is that you live? i mean it's not a video? this is really you now, live? - yes! you're talking to me right now. what kind of ques...

what are you... can you hear me? - you know, we went to a party today and we really had a great time. - jason we thought about you. there was a clown. he was fabulous but you would have been better. - yeah, you know, maybe jason you should think about doing some clowning

at some parties for kids. you know, you've giventhis comedy thing a shot but let's get real, it's not... i don't think it's reallyworking out for you. maybe you should try clowning.- i, i don't want to be a party clown joe.- no he's... i don't want to be.- stop, stop, stop. that's not what i wantto do with my life. so... - just stop. just stop.

dad he's not gonna be a clown alright? just enough with the clown? - i'm not a clown. - he doesn't...he doesn't even know how to make the balloon animals. there's like... no, he's not a clown. - it's not the same thing. a stand up is not thesame thing as a clown.

i know that you think that it is. - wait, just stop. j,j. just stop, just stop. - are you sure this is you live? we're talking live? real time? (jazz music) - (jason) oh my god. okay. okay here we go. you ready?

- yeah, yeah. - are you ready? - yeah! - okay.- okay, jason... - (jason) oh god that's it.- you're like... - (jason) oh god that's good. oh wow. - (jason) ugh! - what?! - ugh! oooo god! whooo!

oh my god baby! oh mygod that's good! whoo! oh my god. - that was it? - you're so good. is that not good? - no that wasn't good. that was weird and aweful. - i'm sorry, i'm sorry. you know what it is? you are so hot.

it's, it's... it's a compliment. you're so, you're so hot. you know what? you're the real thingand no more porn for me. - alright well... i guess thanks for the compliment. - you're welcome. i love you.

- yeah... i'm gonna just...i'mgonna go to the bathroom. - okay. oh you know what i would love right now? doritos. - (gasp) i think i hear her. listen mom, i'm gonna go get her. - go, go ahead! go get the baby, we want to see her!

- so just don't disconnect cause i don't want to gothrough that again okay? (moans) - what's going on? - i don't know. what...what is that? what are we seeing? (screams) - (woman) yes! yes!

- (gasp) oh my god! - no wonder he doesn't want to get a job! he sits around the housejerking off all day! - oh my god! oh no!- (woman) yes! oh god, oh god! - j? (knocks) - are you in there?

do you have my i-pad? - oh my god. - mom? are you here? got disconnected. come here char. (band music)